Good Intentions

Well, I had good intentions but you know how life goes. I was going to title this post, “I Lied” because I didn’t post the full Awesome Australian Adventure log like I said I would. I didn’t really lie because I had intended to post it soon after I wrote that last post but… I didn’t. And then my phone was stolen- ripped right out of my hands by a young man with a gun on a trail in Colombia- and I hadn’t backed up my data so I lost it. The whole journal log of my A.A.A. gone in a flash along with a lot of stuff that I will never get back.

This photo was taken on the day it happened before it happened on the way to Parque Arvi. Photo by Kamala Chambers

I learned a lot about my dependence on my pocket sized super computer called an iPhone and I also learned a lot about dealing with shock and trauma. My trust in humanity was shaken by a single human being who looked me in the eyes while demanding in Spanish that my Mom and I hand over our valuables. All of my years of experience were deemed almost useless in a flash just because he was holding a gun. A gun which in hindsight I still don’t have a healthy level of respect for. I thought I was okay after it happened but again with hindsight I recognize my symptoms of PTSD still appearing.

I haven’t been writing because I’m still kinda traumatized by losing so much of the things I had written and had thought they were safe. I haven’t been running much and the last time I ran by myself I carried pepper spray with me though I know that wouldn’t help much either if someone had a gun. I’ve been in this sort of daze with my life since it happened. I definitely have a strong will to live but I’m still questioning why it happened and why shit happens in general in life. I’m so incredibly grateful that neither of us were hurt at all and I know the situation could have been much much worse. But still….

I’m shaken. It happened exactly 33 days ago today and I think I should be over it but I’m not. I’m embarrassed to talk about it but I’m not sure why. I want to hide the fact that I’m not as strong as I thought I was, I’m not as resilient as I want to be. I know I have to get past this which is why I’m writing and why I’m going to post this blog post anyway. At least I don’t have many people who will read this anyway and the ones who do know already. But still… I have good intentions. And I had good intentions from the get-go but you know how life goes…