This blog is not actually a diary, its more like a journal but I thought “want to read my diary” was funny. It brought me back to my childhood where I would have been horrified if anyone actually read my diary. I know that there are all kinds of opinions on what defines a diary versus a journal but it doesn’t matter to me. What both of those words mean to me is a place to spew mental vomit in writing. Sorry, that sounds gross but thats exactly what it feels like sometimes.

A journal or a diary is actually much more than that for me- it’s a place to sort things out, record events, take notes of my inner landscape, write goals, dreams, desires, questions and more. This blog is a toned down version of my real journal. Though I hope there is less spewing here and more creative writing as a form of informing and sharing general yet sometimes amusing ideas rather than a cathartic release of things that metaphorically make my stomach upset.

I have not been writing enough. Or working enough on the tasks that make me real money. I have a hard time doing things just for money. I want to do them for love and for free but I live in a real physical world where that is not a viable option yet. I keep chasing the proverbial cute squirrels and trying to find the balance between doing what I love for people I love and making real tangible money that puts food in my organic-free-range-gluten-free mouth.

I don’t know if I’ve admitted it here but my OCD and ADHD symptoms are real. Although I think I hide them well and have some decent coping mechanisms, it makes things much more difficult at times than I want to confess. It’s not getting easier as I get older either. I still check to make sure the door is locked and check that the gas stove is off sometimes three times before I leave the house even though I know I checked them. I jump from one item on my task list to the next before the other is finished and eventually everything gets done but I badly wish I could be more efficient. I’m hard on myself and yet I’m learning to be vulnerable by sharing the fact that I’m far from perfect yet still far from being okay with that fact too.

So maybe this post does have a little mental vomit. I’m sorry if it stinks but life is messy and we all are just doing the best that we can with what we’ve got. So please try not to be hard on yourself, remember to take time to breathe and accept the things you cannot change. This is a reminder to myself too.

For now, I wish you all the courage in the world to change the things you can. Let us embrace our inner fearless tigers and go after the lives we want. Rawr!