My inspiration comes in waves... it's not even necessarily just inspiration either. I seem to do best if I let go of control and roll with the flow. Pushing it never seems to work for me, planning, organizing, scheduling and following a routine is not my MO. I have tried but I can't do it. Ideas strike and I write them down.

I feel waves of emotion and the words pour out onto the pages but I can't force them. Sometimes I sit to write and it just doesn't happen. Sometimes I feel like painting and when I do it's beautiful, if I force it it usually ends up not so beautiful. Even my sewing projects take on this strange life of their own. I make a general plan but only take part as it unfolds in due time. 

I don't quite understand why everything happens like it does. I've learned it's best to surf the waves when possible. Other times I have to sit back and watch them, waiting for the tide to turn or some shift to occur so that I can move forward again. When I try to force things it's like trying to paddle out directly into the breaking waves and I end up feeling like I'm going to drown.

Sometimes I can see a route to paddle around and ride the waves in but often its better to watch first and move when the waves are just right. This may sound strange but it was really hard to write this blog post. I lot of things seemed challenging today for no apparent reason. My inner state must be in a trough and I'm looking forward to the next crest where I can see clearly and cruise with the flow for awhile before starting the motion all over again. 

At least the motion is consistently inconsistent as the only constant is change. Growing and learning along the way. And I'm ready for sleep already but it's only 8:30pm. How does the time fly by so fast? It's winter now and the new year is almost here. There's still so much to do and all i can do is roll with it.

The only routine I have been able to maintain is writing something everyday but it always seems to be at different times. Same as practicing french, I've managed to do it everyday but always a little differently. Sigh, and all I do is keep wondering why. Why does it all seem to move in waves? Even love and fear seem to occur in a wave pattern. Up and down, high and low, in and out, what's it all about?